I'm no relationship expert, though I've been in one for several years now and will soon be marrying (the same girl I was in a relationship with, for those who look for technical correctness) :) I've never been in a long-distance relationship. But I've realized a few things along the years which are now a part of my belief system, and here are a couple of them which came up during a chat with a friend.
Relationships weren't designed to be long-distance
Some time apart is OK and inevitable, anything more than that is not. I'll be the last person to say this is irrefutable, without exception or not subjective. But I am firmly against long-term long-distance relationships. I believe proximity to share the little things in life, be part of the mundane and be around for no reason other than give life a chance to make memories possible are crucial in building a foundation that lasts. Doesn't it seem logical that you be a part of a person's 80% time? It's infinitely harder to be a part of something so important being far away. I'm not even talking about the practical difficulties that arise (time-zone differences, cultural compulsions that only one can experience, etc.) or the heightened insecurities and vulnerabilities due to the distance. Of course, none of this matters if you're not looking to be serious, but I'm not the type who has ever sought a fling in the first place :)
What's the only good reason to move on (unless you are dumped ;)?
I think it's normal to want to "check if the grass is greener on the other side" even when you are in a relationship. I don't think that the mechanism that gets us to like someone just shuts down for life once you're in a relationship. I think a lot of people end up putting a lot of stress on themselves because of this. What's so wrong in being attracted to someone anyway? Anyway, the "permission to explore" acts as a much stronger deterrent that many seek than the "threat to not", which will in all probability only make the forbidden fruit more alluring! This is not to promote infidelity. Far from it. Here, I've found two things to be true, applicable to both the people - "only think and do that what you're comfortable with your partner thinking and doing". Second, the trick of knowing whether or not you are should be with the person is to apply the following test: "Are there any fundamental differences of opinion on things you value which are irreconcilable?" If the answer is yes, check if compromise is an acceptable solution. Otherwise, move on. Any other reason - try sticking around, else you're certain to be checking for greener pastures again in a little while. I believe that love, much like any other valuable thing, requires a lot of time, investment and patience. The outcome is what's divinely beautiful. The difficult part is to identify the things you value, or to know yourself.
-Nicky
7 comments:
I couldn't agree more my friend. It's the most mundane of your daily activities that you wish to share only with the one you love. Special, big occasions can be spent with others too, while not necessarily excluding the loved one.
I agree... Long-distance sucks. It works best when you want the focus of your life to be some third thing but have that person beside you. In fact, at some point, even going out on a 'date' becomes so redundant because it is artificial... It's ok at times (mainly in the beginning). But if you're looking for somethig substantial.. it's regular hanging out that does the trick.
But somehow... I also think that people land up in long-distance because they feel they are with someone who 'may be' worth the wait. And if you have to make a choice of being in a difficult relationship with the right person and an easy relationship with the wrong one, it makes sense to select the former (atleast that's my current opinion). The only trouble is.. it probably takes a lot to figure out who's right and who's not. And to do that, you need to be with that someone in a daily-mundane-normal manner. So we're back to back to square one.
(A vicious cycle... What should come first.. the chicken or the egg?
Such matters are also heavily dependent on individual cases and circumstances)
I am afraid, if a tendency to look out for "greener grass on the other side" exists, it is going to be problematic. There should be no comparisons in relationships. It is one thing to acknowledge beauty around and another to compare it with the beauty in your life. "Greener grass" is the problem, "green grass" isn't.
I couldn't agree more Tiksha... Just yesterday I was talking to a friend and saying that comparisons are so bloody pointless and damaging, yet they're somehow central to the way look at things!
My belief is - no need to pressurize yourself into finding the "best" person for you. It's virtually certain that someone "better" exists out there. How do you stop, then? Moving on for greener pastures will only ensure one thing - you'll be confronted with yet greener pastures! Life in it's own remarkable ways ensures that every mistake you makes comes back and bites you, and in this case, leaving a person just because of another person who has caught your fascination , is a grave mistake. Make your peace with the fact that there's no way to ever ensure that you're with the "best" possible person, and that this is a flawed way of thinking. Be happy that you have someone who shares your value system!
I hav myself been in a long distance relationship since the last two years... I can understand cent per cent of what u r trying to say Deepak... Agree with u completely.. I know how imp. it is to share the mundane things and just be around.. makes a world of difference... and dont worry dude, u'll manage the comin 6 months of ur long distance thing perfectly... I can say this confidently after knowing you for so long..
LDRs take their toll on your soul..it's true.
Well heart actually but soul sounds more poetic, no?
:)
If you ask me,
Any distance relation sucks unless its next to each udder!
Post a Comment